“Love is divine only and difficult always. If you think it is easy you are a fool.” – Paradise, Toni Morrison
As we approach the trillionth year that I have been single on Valentine’s Day, it is safe to say that I have mastered the “difficult always” description that Toni Morrison used to so brilliantly expound on love. It’s elusive, slippery, tricky and disrespectful to my ovaries. It is funny though because even while ToMo says that love is difficult always, and my own life experience seems to be proof that she is correct, I really don’t want to believe it. Or, I’d prefer to believe that it is difficult once you have a firm grasp on it. I, on the other hand, haven’t been able to even get close enough to breathe it’s air and tap it on its shoulder, let alone wrap my fingers around it and claim it as my own.
And as with most things that are difficult in my life, I have set it to the side, ignored it, and concentrated on the things that come easy. But my friends and associates say that turning my back on love has made me boring: I’m all books and writing and church and that’s about it. I used to be filled with raucous dating stories, quick to dial them up with a “Guuurrl, guess what he did tonight….” monologue. Then there were the “Awwww, he was so sweet yesterday when he…” stories, and the “This fool is crazy” rants and the…well, you get the picture. There was a lot more to talk about when there were men in my life. Now I’m mostly all business, with a little bit of short news about my latest crushes, and sizzling online love affair with David Banner (don’t hate).
I am ok with that, content even, and I hope that those around me find a way to embrace the new terminally single Nakia. Love is a wonderful thing, but it is also something that shouldn’t be played with, especially not in the way that I played with it in the past. So I’m sitting on the sidelines until I:
- Finish School – school is my number one priority, so my time is limited. I’d hate to start anything with anyone when I know that I can’t give it my all.
- Heal From Past Hurt – this speaks for itself. My side eye is aimed at every man in the world who breathes my way. Ain’t nobody got time to be dealing with a woman with trust issues, though, and I’m kind enough not to unleash that burden onto the brothas (or others*) of the world. You’re welcome.
- Find What I Want – some people say Black women are too picky, but I actually think I’m not picky enough. Having high standards in Oakland/the Bay Area is a heavy cross to bear, but when my pastor preached on love this past Sunday from Proverbs 4:23, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life”, that was just the push I needed to get a tad bit judgier about who I allow into my life and my heart.
- Let It Find Me – and by find me, I mean love needs to chase me down the street, put me in a headlock, and steal my car keys. And then I want it to stare me in the face, gently grab my hand, and say, “Come, walk with me for a while.” In other words, I need to be sure that it is there, that it is genuine, that it is tangible, that it is not fly by night, that it is mine.
Though, I don’t believe that there is anything as exciting as a kiss from a chocolate, thicker than two snickers, chiseled cheek bone, well defined arms having man
named David, who knows how to read, is at least 5 inches taller than me, and can make me laugh, I’m making the best of what I have until I’m ready. For now, my books will keep me warm at night, and my days will be busy concentrating on the other parts of my life that are simple and bring me joy.
Like ribs. And new episodes of Love & Hip Hop.
Happy early Valentine’s Day, yall!